Devious Concoctions.

Am currently reading all my friend’s blogs. And I’ve just realized
that this whole blog epidemic started from ariff i think, or was it
mischel…. anyway, what is the point of having a blog anyway? Don’t
get me wrong, i love posting on my blog on my random-ness, waiting for
people who know absolutely nothing about me to read. Nowadays, i guess
it’s also a place to rant, pour our hearts and soul out, story tell,
write hidden msgs between the lines and so on.

Haha, i just read a few random blogs on friendster. It’s laughable
seeing people penning down their innermost thoughts, only to later
write, i hope nobody finds out about this. HAHAHAHAHA. Gosh, if it’s
one huge secret, why blog it? Blog does not equal diary. Diary =
personal blog. Blog = public diary. Weird kan?

I guess most people find it easier to pen down their thoughts,
instead of speaking and talking it out. I never got into the habit of
penning down my thoughts regularly, instead i’m so used to just talking
about it with my mates. I feel it’s better to just unload it off all at
once. Which is why i so cannot live alone. I’ll prolly die an insane
woman.

Here’s a question : If you unload your problems to your friends,
sooner or later you will lose them. True or False? I say half half. No
one likes to listen to a water hose, just regurgitating all your
problems, like they are the only ones who matter. But then again,
that’s what friends are for. They’re there for you in your darkest
hours. I say, it’s great having friends who listen to you when you’re
down, even though it means not getting a word in edgewise for the next
2 hours. I would do the same for mine, i just hope the ones listening
to me don’t think too badly of me. Like judging my every word;
thinking, ‘God she’s pathetic.’ I guess that’s my only fear :  being
judge by other people.

I just realized how lucky i am to have a family who loves me. It’s
weird, it’s like only now I’m thinking about all this family business,
and not taking them for granted. Growing up trend?

I say the word ‘like’ way too many times. Like.

It was a good Sunday yesterday. My bro was working, my dad was outstation, my grandma and aunt were doing their own stuff. It was just my mum and i to ourselves. I spent most of my time revising in the room while she read some brochures. Actually, i didn’t really revise, rather we were both talking about our trip to Singapore. I was filled with excitement of shopping galore, she was pondering about the hotel reservations. It was a relaxed Sunday.

Later, we both had an early dinner. This time i helped her in the kitchen, which i guess put her in a good mood. Being so, dinner actually became a chit chat session. I haven’t had that in a while actually, with pressure from her job and exam stress on my part, lately it has been one hell of war scene in the house. So it was a total relieve on my part that i actually get to open up to her, even if it’s not about everything, it’s something. We talked about college, her co-workers, magic (surprise surprise), music and a bit more about my life. You see, it’s hard opening to someone who can’t see eye to eye with u about most things. It’s definitely not the generation gap; i see parents who can pretty much understand their teenage kids; it’s the way my mom works. Sometimes, i wanna scream at her just to get my message across, then she’ll say something totally pin-point blank that’ll make me stop in my tracks.

Anyway, after dinner we walked around Bangsar Village II, looking at all the pretty stuff. Shoes, bags, jewelery and dresses!! Hahaha, my mom actually allowed me a dress, a casual dress at that which cost rm80!! Whee…… we had ice cream and then went home. Back home, i had my physics book opened, but didn’t read. Instead we end up commenting on the ‘Dear Thelma’ section in the StarMag. Eventually we ended up talking about family and love. I mean seriously, we talked about relationships, marriage and everything affiliated with it! It’s different seeing my mom in this light.

For example, i ask her why does she not go out with her friends. She’s says she’s got a family, and she doesn’t see the need to spend time with friends who have families of their own to take care of.

I ask her what would she think of me getting a boyfriend. She told me it’s okie to get one, but that education comes first. So no matter what, i would not have to depend on anyone for anything because I’m equipped with knowledge to face the world. Love is important, but dealing and standing up for myself makes a person stronger, and being so means everything is possible.

I asked her what she thought about dad. She said she still loves him, that things that come between them wasn’t our faults. But she’s a mother now, and that she has responsibilities. My bro and i were her bloodlines, anything that happens to us, happens to her too.

I ask her what she would she do if she heard crude remarks about her. She told me to hold my head up high, because who else knows u better than yourself. What is the point of justifying rumors when it will only cause tongues to wag further? Let them talk, only God knows the truth. And that itself is enough.

Ah, it was a good Sunday yesterday. Because it bought me closer to knowing who my mom was. Not the angry, tired woman who comes home from a 9-5 job, but the woman who is true to herself, with a pillar of strength within, but most importantly, she’s my mom.

Hmm…… when are exams are so near, suddenly it seems I’m gung ho to do everything else BUT study! Like, i was play with my cards! I wanna write that song! And i wanna watch all the good movies that suddenly pop up on tv! My AS is so freakin screwed.

Scary enough, i hardly care about my exam. I don’t know why. It’s like i only care for econs and math. Thinking skills and physics can just fly out the window! And what’s amazing is that it’s the same girl who used to think exams were everything! I would cry if i didn’t do well, but now i’m like, ‘okie that’s over and done with.’ Mom wouldn’t be too proud…

It’s weird, when do u exactly know that what u feel for someone is real? Sure, words and gestures are always evidence of that, but sometimes, those can be fake too. No real grasp of the term, ‘love’ now is there? I can say i love you and mean it and feel that way, but what else is there? What is the real definition of ‘love’?

Before the words, ’she’s got a love crisis’ pops up in your heads, no, i don’t have a crisis! It’s just that today Bal and i were having a long chat over this whole matter. She’s a realist, i’m an idealist. So you can see we both have contrasting views on the matter. I’m just curious to know when you see couples nearly everday in college, whispering, ‘i love you’ just what does he/she mean? As in i care about u to bits? I wanna have your babies? (hahaha) or what? It’s so general!

Just so you know, saying ‘i love you’ when you don’t know the person can change those 3 words to ‘Who are you?’ sooner or later.

I’m going analytical again! Whee……..

As y’all know, i’m one insane person. I don’t really know who i am. Over the past few years, enough experience has thought me a lot of things. Recently a close friend said i change, but in what way he didn’t clarify. I mean change is good, we can’t stay the same forever. But you know, i’m just wondering what have i blossomed into? Haha, and i’m supposed to know myself more than other people should.

I know i’ve matured a bit, became more of an extrovert, developed my leadership skills, had a 180 degrees change of POV on relationships, become clingy because suddenly everyone seems to be leaving, acquired a more competitive trait, improving my sarcasms skills,  perky (?), and what else?

I remember before i made the transfer from Mass Comm to A Levels, my old teacher told me upon registering for A levels, that my whole view on life and things would change and that i would become a different person. Am I?