Devious Concoctions.

It was a good Sunday yesterday. My bro was working, my dad was outstation, my grandma and aunt were doing their own stuff. It was just my mum and i to ourselves. I spent most of my time revising in the room while she read some brochures. Actually, i didn’t really revise, rather we were both talking about our trip to Singapore. I was filled with excitement of shopping galore, she was pondering about the hotel reservations. It was a relaxed Sunday.

Later, we both had an early dinner. This time i helped her in the kitchen, which i guess put her in a good mood. Being so, dinner actually became a chit chat session. I haven’t had that in a while actually, with pressure from her job and exam stress on my part, lately it has been one hell of war scene in the house. So it was a total relieve on my part that i actually get to open up to her, even if it’s not about everything, it’s something. We talked about college, her co-workers, magic (surprise surprise), music and a bit more about my life. You see, it’s hard opening to someone who can’t see eye to eye with u about most things. It’s definitely not the generation gap; i see parents who can pretty much understand their teenage kids; it’s the way my mom works. Sometimes, i wanna scream at her just to get my message across, then she’ll say something totally pin-point blank that’ll make me stop in my tracks.

Anyway, after dinner we walked around Bangsar Village II, looking at all the pretty stuff. Shoes, bags, jewelery and dresses!! Hahaha, my mom actually allowed me a dress, a casual dress at that which cost rm80!! Whee…… we had ice cream and then went home. Back home, i had my physics book opened, but didn’t read. Instead we end up commenting on the ‘Dear Thelma’ section in the StarMag. Eventually we ended up talking about family and love. I mean seriously, we talked about relationships, marriage and everything affiliated with it! It’s different seeing my mom in this light.

For example, i ask her why does she not go out with her friends. She’s says she’s got a family, and she doesn’t see the need to spend time with friends who have families of their own to take care of.

I ask her what would she think of me getting a boyfriend. She told me it’s okie to get one, but that education comes first. So no matter what, i would not have to depend on anyone for anything because I’m equipped with knowledge to face the world. Love is important, but dealing and standing up for myself makes a person stronger, and being so means everything is possible.

I asked her what she thought about dad. She said she still loves him, that things that come between them wasn’t our faults. But she’s a mother now, and that she has responsibilities. My bro and i were her bloodlines, anything that happens to us, happens to her too.

I ask her what she would she do if she heard crude remarks about her. She told me to hold my head up high, because who else knows u better than yourself. What is the point of justifying rumors when it will only cause tongues to wag further? Let them talk, only God knows the truth. And that itself is enough.

Ah, it was a good Sunday yesterday. Because it bought me closer to knowing who my mom was. Not the angry, tired woman who comes home from a 9-5 job, but the woman who is true to herself, with a pillar of strength within, but most importantly, she’s my mom.

Hmm…… when are exams are so near, suddenly it seems I’m gung ho to do everything else BUT study! Like, i was play with my cards! I wanna write that song! And i wanna watch all the good movies that suddenly pop up on tv! My AS is so freakin screwed.

Scary enough, i hardly care about my exam. I don’t know why. It’s like i only care for econs and math. Thinking skills and physics can just fly out the window! And what’s amazing is that it’s the same girl who used to think exams were everything! I would cry if i didn’t do well, but now i’m like, ‘okie that’s over and done with.’ Mom wouldn’t be too proud…

It’s weird, when do u exactly know that what u feel for someone is real? Sure, words and gestures are always evidence of that, but sometimes, those can be fake too. No real grasp of the term, ‘love’ now is there? I can say i love you and mean it and feel that way, but what else is there? What is the real definition of ‘love’?

Before the words, ’she’s got a love crisis’ pops up in your heads, no, i don’t have a crisis! It’s just that today Bal and i were having a long chat over this whole matter. She’s a realist, i’m an idealist. So you can see we both have contrasting views on the matter. I’m just curious to know when you see couples nearly everday in college, whispering, ‘i love you’ just what does he/she mean? As in i care about u to bits? I wanna have your babies? (hahaha) or what? It’s so general!

Just so you know, saying ‘i love you’ when you don’t know the person can change those 3 words to ‘Who are you?’ sooner or later.

I’m going analytical again! Whee……..

As y’all know, i’m one insane person. I don’t really know who i am. Over the past few years, enough experience has thought me a lot of things. Recently a close friend said i change, but in what way he didn’t clarify. I mean change is good, we can’t stay the same forever. But you know, i’m just wondering what have i blossomed into? Haha, and i’m supposed to know myself more than other people should.

I know i’ve matured a bit, became more of an extrovert, developed my leadership skills, had a 180 degrees change of POV on relationships, become clingy because suddenly everyone seems to be leaving, acquired a more competitive trait, improving my sarcasms skills,  perky (?), and what else?

I remember before i made the transfer from Mass Comm to A Levels, my old teacher told me upon registering for A levels, that my whole view on life and things would change and that i would become a different person. Am I?

Love is such an ethereal thing….. like a ghost.

Some people can see it, most can’t.

We believe in it, but does it really exist?

Most can feel the presence of it, but most of the time our minds are playing tricks on us. Making us see what we wanna see.

We are scared of it, scared of getting hurt.

It is unexplainable, even till now.

It was created by someone who had too much time in their hands.

It is an unknown. Do we pursue it?

Hmmm……..

Ok, so i haven’t been updating my blog in ages. Even though i have topics to talk about (eg. my Singapore trip and the Mosaic Music Festival) i guess I’m just plain lazy and good at procrastinating! Gosh, i should try to change……

Anyway, I’ve been doing nothing this past week but play with my cards, PS2 and watching tv. Basically turned into a real couch potato. Lately I’ve been resuming my usual high school routine of watching the Chinese dramas on Wah Lai Toi on Astro at 9.30pm. I have to say, this roused me up to compare between the media entertainment of the east and the west. We’ll start with dramas!!

East - Well there are 2 types which is the traditional Chinese dramas of old-age china with all the sword fighting and kung fu and there is the modern age dramas. The yesteryears of Chinese drama is interesting to watch, with all the weird characters and powers and flying talking objects. The modern ones have a wide range of settings. Like main characters of these dramas have a wide range of occupation. There was one on fire brigade, the government flight  service, hotel management and well, gangsters! But i can’t help noticing with all these raving settings, the plot seem to be a lil stale. It’s always first few episodes, getting to know the main character, his past and family and friends. Then we see the rival/evil-doer/obstacle. Then prolly the love of his life (usually the main character is a guy) vanish, and he’s heart broken. But somewhere another admirer pops up and encourages him and he oh-so bersemangat after that. Then the plot deepens into the main theme of the drama, be it thriller or romance. The main character is now in hot soup. Miraculously, if this were a thriller, and it was that climax and suspense episode, a high and al-mighty person would appear that sets the path easier for the main character. Or the evil villain would fall into a trap and get choked. (they always do) Then the resolution of the whole thing, he gets the girl, he resolves all his debts, business is blooming and they live happily ever after. Oh course, this would not be complete without a lot few phrases of hope and cherishing the one u love, basically ur nilai nilai murni. The end.

West -  Now, I’m not a huge fan of the west dramas (due to the timing of not having the tv after 8pm) i can’t really comment on the usual, everyone’s favorite like ‘the OC’ ‘Desperate housewives’ ‘Smallville’ ‘Grey’s anatomy’ and the list goes on! For some reason, western dramas seem to follow an already well-established drama. I mean, that ‘ER’ for example. We have ‘Grey’s anatomy’ and ‘House’ and ‘General hospital’ after that. Sure it’s common to play a dashing doctor/surgeon with a whooping love affair, but how many illnesses and diseases can the script-writers come up? Gosh, i do wonder if they’re not paranoid by now because i am!

Then we have the superheroes drama. Like ‘Mutant X’ Smallville’ and ‘Heroes’. I hardly watch those so i can’t say much, but i do like the powers of the characters from ‘heroes’. Reminds me so much of the characters from ‘X-men’. Like the cheer leader with amazing recuperating powers ala Wolverine, minus the sharp claws and devil-gelled hairstyle. Ali Carter’s double, wicked, strong personality, except this one doesn’t turn into a monster like ‘Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde’. Peter Petricelli (do forgive if i can’t remember the name) ability to absorb other people’s powers, like Rouge. Expect he doesn’t kill them in doing so, and isn’t deranged for a cure. And Hiro Nakamura, who can stop and travel time. Anyone thinking of Hermione with the time turner?? Maybe they should try getting ideas from our local Malaysian actors. If u don’t know what i’m talking about, try to catch the next stage play called Actorlympics. I think….. can’t remember what’s the name, but the audience were giving ideas for abilities. Like Mr 2 second….. hehhe.

Then we have really dramatic dramas ‘Desperate housewives’. this is definitely new for me, and after watching a few episodes, i give the creator a standing ovation. It so proves we live for gossips and the dirty linens that people hide. After watching it, u just gotta say, "Wow, I’m glad I’m not her!" Though we do envy the curves on those women……… Who needs plastic surgery anyway?

Next we turn to the reality shows of the East and West.

East - They have really weird names for their shows. Like the ‘Ah Fatt Show’ or something along that cheesy line. It usually features HK celebrities doing odd and randomly funny task. Like a couple, catching a piece of bread that pops out from a toaster; with only their face. Sometimes they get it, other times they just have to be contented with smacking their lips against each other. Imagine a scandal if this was done in Hollywood, a married actor and a single, up-rising hot actress. Sizzle…. And of course they’ll have their usual cooking shows and talk shows. But the TV reality shows remind me of Nickelodeons party bashes. The celebrities entertaining the audiences by embarrassing themselves. Wonderful way of getting attention, not publicity.

West - One thing i have to say is that, unlike the TV producers from the East, the West can only think of reality drama like ‘Laguna Beach’. And they say it’s all true! Haha, like which 19 year old wants her life broadcast on live TV? Oh wait, don’t answer that…..

Yesterday i was watching ‘My Super sweet 16′ on MTV. God, i swear i’ve never seen a more spoilt brat before!! She makes plan for her party, only inviting the most popular students! She even disses her friends because they weren’t cool enough. Obviously she wants an all exclusive party. Then she picks out a car as a present (her father is into the oil business) and the reason she picks out a brand new BMW 5 series is because the sun visor in the drivers seat has a slide-open mirror. Not like she cares that it’s a BMW 5 SERIES!!! Her party theme is medieval times, and she has an open tent in a shape of a castle in an open field. She makes her entrance via a helicopter. When she steps out of the copter, she air kisses the camera and turns to her beloved audience……. *Cricket*….. everyone’s still in the tent, further down the field. HAHAHHAHAHAHA…….. she whines and throws a tantrum before her Cinderella-ish Carriage drives her to the tent. Gosh….. she was screaming at her mom on the cellphone to get everyone out!!! That’s a princess for u. She has a good time (she better have, for what her father’s paying!) and in the end, a boy asks her if he can date her. They kiss and ride off into the night, with a warning to be back at midnight from ol’ trusty rich dad. A typical Disney princess story, turned ugly in the modern century. I have to applaud MTV for creating a show for show us how the other ‘better’ half lives. And no, don’t get me started on Channel V’s Parental control…….

Ah, lastly the movies (yes after this u can go back to whatever you’re doing in your own busy lives)

East - Well, can’t say much once again as i hardly watch chinese movies. We have ur normal comedy, thriller, horror types. The comedy is really funny, usually described with a dysfunctional family. Thriller is usually boring, and typical with gangsters and police stories of kidnappings and ransoms. Not much of terrorism. Horror…… hmmm….  weird i can’t remember ever watching horror films. I remember the ‘Mr Vampire’ trilogy, but that was a more comedy film with a horror setting.

West - It’s getting a bit of the different touch. Like hello, we’ve a magician movie!!! How uncommon is that??? The west has managed to incorporate all the types into 1 movie. We have comedy, thriller and romance into 1!!! Added with a setting of dance, wild wild west, or modern age and that’s hollywood. It’s really 2 different world of movies, East and West. So i shall leave it at that. We’re all happy, non overly-critical people.

Yes it’s the end of the entry….. u can go back to your lives. Peace out! Hehe…..

Random-ness of my antic, lately…..

Whacking the poor guys in my gang -  it’s reflexes, can’t be helped.

Buying stuff spontaneously - it’s a sale! How can you say no to a sale!!! a 3 combo deck sale!!!! for $17!!!

Pranking ppl - I’m going to s’pore for music (festival) and i won’t be back for four years (days). Ask arnile. He’s my first victim!

Debating about music - the difficulty of trying to say who sings/play the melody and who plays fills in and the chords. Or does both. Or has 2 melodies. And no chords, just bass line.

Getting interested in magic again - thanks to watching the ‘prestige’ and the ‘illusionist’ over and over again.

Having ridiculous argumentative topics with my mom - what to eat with the rice, how to pack away a toothbrush. So far, mom - 0 and a whole lot grumpier, Jennifer - 0 and a whole lot more stressed.

Hmmm…. I’m not sure of what to blog about. Am in an emo mood, but half of my mind is trying to puncture the exterior fogs of moodiness and insert in positive happy things. Not working. I’ve no idea y i’m being so moody. (and no it’s not PMS if that’s what ur thinking) I realized i haven’t blog a while. Let’s recap….

I wonder if guys get intimidated by girls who do better than them in an all guy-guy field? Let’s take engineering for example. How many girls are actually in mechanical engineering? Most of us go for chemical or civil engineering, but not the on-the-field, hands-in-the-dirt type of engineering. So do guys get intimidated? The answer’s bloody simple : YES!!! I haven’t the foggiest idea why! We can achieve some feats better than they can (like faking an orgasm) and they can do some stuff better than us (will insert something here later). But what’s with all this gender bias thing? I should know. I’m surrounded by guys the entire time, for 5 days in a week a minimum of 6 hours a day. You think it’s whoopee do for 1 1/2 years? No. Hell it’s sometimes infuriating when they drift off to do their guy stuff and talk about guy things (seriously, talking about girls in an all guy group makes you phobic) that i guess it’s finally taking a toll on my insanity. I’m prolly sick and tired as any day now for being treated as someone you can insult , apologize, and then insult again.

Wait, i’m getting off topic.

Anyway, don’t get me wrong. I like the guys i hang out with now. They’re a fun sarcastic-funny group. But i just wonder if maybe i’m being taken for granted type of person? I know a few who don’t, so maybe i should care-less about the other few. Why should i bother about people who make me feel less than i’m really worth?

It’s funny and surreal when u finally realize who is in your life, and who isn’t.

It’s 8.14pm. 14 minutes late for my studying period. (yes i have a studying period which i keep strictly) Haha, and i have 2 test tomorrow, physics and econs, which i care why? Don’t know…. la la la…. haven’t studied yet. I should start real soon…. like i care……

I’m not complaining that much being stuck here in a levels. I mean it’s only like 11 more months to go. 2 major exams to go. I can do this. No pressure….. yes no pressure… (i am sounding a bit deranged aren’t i?)

But sitting here, staring at my flat screen monitor, listening to duke ellington, makes me contemplate my options AFTER a levels. What the hell am i gonna do? So far, my hopes of my future would include (hopefully) magic, music and er….. loads of going out and spending time with my friends??? The only thing holding me back is that I’m not good enough to do all that i wanna do. Yes i understand there is more i need to learn, and that’s gonna take time. Yet i feel so uncertain, really uncertain (hence the song in the previous entry) so uncertain I’m even scared to move forward in life. Sometimes i wish life wasn’t that harsh and mean and cold. Am i making much sense here ppl???

Don’t really know what I’m trying to point out. I don’t exactly hate my life at the moment, yet i really wish my mind would stop pouring in all those ‘you can’t do that’, ‘you can’t do this’ and ‘it’s never gonna work out’ and all the other melodramatic and pessimistic sayings. Am trying so hard to fight it, unfortunately being a girl, i can multi task. Whoopee-do…….

So seriously, I’m in at war with my mind ( a bit silly ain’t it? since your mind is the one that brings out the logic in most situations and yet i want to keep it silent?) so anyone, any advice? (I’ve tried keeping myself occupied. it ain’t working)

Look at you,

You’re not who you used to be,

What has changed,

Even those close cannot see.

Look at you,

You’ve come so far,

From there to here

Your dreams are so near

Don’t be afraid

Of the changes around you

Take it as it comes

No one expects much from you

Take a leap of faith

Into the unknown

You’ll never guess what’s in store

Just have faith in life

And take that leap

Look at you

The world is moving so fast

You can’t breath

Or take a moment of view

Look at you

You’ve done so much

The journey has just begun

So close your eyes and

Don’t be afraid

Of the changes around you

Take it as it comes

No one expects much from you

Take a leap of faith

Into the unknown

You’ll never guess what’s in store

Just have faith in life

And take that leap

* A/N - i’m just beginning to write random stuff. Not sure if i can turn this into a song, so far my attempts on my friend’s poem hasn’t bear much fruit. So yea, might turn out to be half-baked kinda thing. I don’t really know how to explain this song, all i’m basically trying to express is that we’ve somehow ‘evolved’ and that things are different. So we get confused (most of us do) about the new stuff in life, but we shouldn’t hide nor run, somehow embrace it and have faith that things will turn out fine. Risk is something we cannot ignore.

The Little Magic Shop

Everything is just so frustratingly hard in life, it’s stupid. and sad. and crazily infuriating! Bleh